Catatonic Frenzy

Being waken up to a sms informing me that I was posted to 'Interactive Media Design' in Temasek Polytechnic was not my average morning. In fact, I was pretty horrified. Not at all did I expect this to happen.

I knew it was foolish of me to place MJC as my first choice given my crappy raw score but I figured I could at least got into TPJC. Which was my 2nd choice.

Interactive Media Design?

It was my 7th choice.

I didn't even put it there seriously. Somehow somewhere in my mind I honestly thought I could get in either of the first few choices and not some 7th choice which I kinda picked randomly only coz it sounded fun.

Needless to say, I appealed through academics into this school. New environment, new friends.

A new beginning, I told myelf.

I promised myself that I wasn't going to make the same mistakes for my O levels. Which was to start too late. I had high hopes for myself. Scholarship? If I'm lucky, maybe. I was dreaming of entering Cambridge. Oxford. MIT. Possibilities were endless. Sure, monetary issues were a problem but I thought scholarships could cover it.

I would make it work. One way or another.

Look at me. A year and a half on. Struggling to keep up. Disappointing grades. I was killing all my dreams one wrong chemistry answer at a time. Things aren't looking good at all. What used to be once an aim was now a dream. Snap back to reality. I could pray for the guy up there to help me. To get into a university. Any university. NUS, NTU, I don't care.

Desperation.

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Going back a few years. I can still remember clearly the day I received my Secondary 2 end of year results. I got an B for Art and an A for Design and Technology. My then DnT teacher told me to pick up the subject for Secondary 3 streaming.

'You have potential.' she said.

I gave much thought to it. A part of me wants to take Pure Biology. A part of me yearns to follow my teacher's advice, to give it a try. To step out of my sister's shadow of entering Triple Science stream.

I went home that day, and told my mom the news.

'No.'

A curt reply.

I asked why. I knew it was useless questioning her orders, but I had to try. You know how we always read in GP or Economics that the older generation can be stubborn and refuse to change their mindset, always laying around in the stereotypical ideology that the science stream will miraculously lead to great things. Arts on the other hand is for people who just 'didn't had it in them'.

Yeah, that was them. Their number one sole reason why I was not allowed to take up DnT. We argued for hours. I tried all kinds of methods. Tantrums, threats, anger, and even diplomatic solutions. At some point, I wasn't fighting for my right to choose my subject combination anymore. I got sick of it. I was merely fighting just for the sake of it. Because I hated the way things went about in the house. I wanted to defy. To antagonize.

'Can I just give it a try?'

I never had the chance.

4 years on, sometimes I sit down and wonder. Wonder about what my life would be if I ever had the chance to choose my own path in life. Would I be feeling this miserable right now?

I thought about the perks of having a Poly education. Then I juxtaposed it to my current situation. I have to admit, I felt a deep sense of regret.

But then I remembered about things that made me happy during these past 2 years.

And that was when I knew.

That it was worth it.

But what of the wretched hollow?