I realized over the course of this 100 posts my blog has changed from something like an events log for me, to its current status. In which calling it a journal, or no. A Diary. Yes. That would be more appropriate.
It is where I pour most of my feelings out to. A place where I seek solace and salvation.
And right now, salvation is all that I'm looking for.
With a few days left on the calender, I am pretty much feeling freaked out right now. Taking a step down memory lane, I remember clearly a promise I made to myself. A promise to make good use of this holidays and do my catching up. To tell the truth, I haven't been studying. At all. I'm not gonna lie to myself and say I did because that little amount of math that I did? That right there, is shit.
Okay, so at least I went airport today to study. However in that few hours I only managed to do a bit of chem and that's that. In addition I ate Macdonalds again. Oh damnit. I realized I haven't exercised for quite some time too.
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Life is all about making choices.
I've been making the wrong ones so far. Or rather, recently.
That's gonna change.
Change huh?
The only constant in this universe.
Why is it so hard for me to achieve it. I try and struggle to even overcome the most basic barriers. I stumble and fall at the very first hurdle. Defeated, at the mere sight of a milestone.
They say one does not need to change for the one you love. The contrary would denote a false love. Delusion, so they say.
I believe otherwise. Perhaps it's because in my current predicament, believe is all I can do. I feel pathetic. I see you struggling to take flight and I offer my help.That's when I realized I could offer none. For I am worse than you. Like a seagull soaked in crude oil, I am powerless. Unsightly. Revolting. Unable to spread and wings and lift myself, I lay choking on the ground. Wallowing in the valley of darkness to the fact that I will lose you.
Thus I have to cleanse myself of this sludge. Start by making small changes, one at a time.
To actually change oneself, to alter the core beliefs, ambitions, mindset. Folly, you say? I think not.
Although I believe very much in loving one for who they are and not what they are, frankly, who I am now, disgusts me. This lazy son of a bitch. Good for nothing. Sorry excuse for a person, without a future. I do not want. I am unable to give you anything.
I am not who you want to look for.
I want to be able to bring happiness to you. To see even that little hint of a smile, the slightest bit of mirth, sparks a glow in my heart. When you are merry, so will I be.
I know I have to change to make myself deserve you.
To be a better man.
And I look forward to the day when you see me as more than what I am now. I shall not stop trying, until you're resting here with me.
Where I could hold you in my arms, and whisper in your ear the words I have kept inside me all this while. Where we would lay under a starry night sky. Blissful. You would smile, and rest your head on my shoulder. I would close my eyes and listen to the melodious and beautiful music that of you simply breathing.
A shooting star might streak across the cerulean night sky and I shall make a wish. A wish for time itself to stop. So that we can stay in this beautiful moment forever.
Utopia will then draw nigh.
Utopia. *Chuckles*
How ironic.
I realized I really do dream a lot. It seems that the most deluded one...is right here.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Perhaps the day will arrive when I can look into your eyes and call you mine. The thought alone makes my heart flutter and draws a sheepish smile on my face.
What a saccharine post this turned out to be.
Oh how wonderful life is, now you're in the world.
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