You're not in Kansas anymore.

Clock is ticking.

Time is running out.

Conditions have worsened. Slowly, but surely, I'm beginning to lose my grasp on reality. Asphyxiation is taking over my body. It's power, overwhelming.

That's right. Things have to be done differently from now on. No more familiarity. No. None of it. The habitual behaviour has got to change.

And I mean starting from now.

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So I've tried to begin my studying recently. I have to say, jump-starting an old, rusty engine is tough. You pull the starter cord again and again, each time with a more determined force, and the engine spurts out a choking cough before dying yet again.

How much time will pass before it rumbles to life, I ask. And even if it does, will it return to its previous glory? Will I be able to depend solely on the small little engine of mine to brave the waves and surf the rapids, and finally survive the grand finale - a plunge down the frighteningly colossal waterfall while braving the massive roars of the water colliding with the river.

It may be too early to say.

I still am not at my best. I hope however, to reach it by either one of the next 2 days or so. If I do not, well. Let's just say I'm fucked.

But no, I will not lose hope. Following advice from a close friend, I must look up and stay positive. For a pessimist, I need to be optimistic. With a little effort a day, I can do it. Start by making the right decisions. A small step at a time.

By the time the big A's arrive, I would well be sprinting and leaping across hurdles.

Ambitious? Yes. Idealistic? I think not.

I know I am up to it. If I can do it last year, I can jolly well bring out the fire in me once again. The fire that licks away at the walls that attempt to close in on me, combust the marauders that threaten my advancement. The burning crimson flame that lights up my world when a siege of creeping darkness envelops it.

Gird your loins, people.

After this week, it's going to be a fast and bumpy ride.

I have to be prepared.

And yes I do admit, it's a pretty difficult task to accomplish when I'm always missing you. Every thought makes the void in my heart grow.

How long will it be before I can finally cross this deep, dark chasm, over to your side?

I wonder, I really do. But it does not matter. For if an eternity it shall take, then an eternity I shall wait.

Please don't go now, please don't fade away...